Tag Archives: browns

47 Signs You Know You’re From Cleveland

Image

by Kevin Tuleta

**APRIL 2015 UPDATE: Wrote this way back in 2013; obviously a lot has changed since then (specifically in our sports department), so a full rewrite will be out in the near future.**

1. You play corn hole. Not bags. And it’s most likely a custom set with your high school/college/Cleveland team on it

Image

2. Put-in-Bay + Kelley’s Island may as well be the Bahamas + Hawaii.

3. Saturdays at noon bring out the best in our football abilities

4. And Sundays at 1pm bring out the worst

5. You or someone in your family has played hockey their entire life

6. You have, or will experience at least one east coaster ask “How big is your farm?” when telling them where you’re from

7. You automatically assume a catastrophic event is unfolding when a traffic jam lasts longer than 30 seconds heading into downtown

8. You are absolutely baffled that people still ask how you feel about LeBron 

9. Daydreaming about a championship parade rolling through downtown is a common occurrence

10. You have come to take pride in our river setting on fire multiple times

11. You know how to say bagel, pillow, and milk the right way

12. When people bring up the Fumble/Drive/Shot/Decision, you counter with the ’90s Indians.

13. You have great difficulty trying to explain the joy that is Christmas Ale to non-Clevelanders

Image

14. It’s a cookout, not a barbecue. 

15. If offered a million dollars, you still wouldn’t be able to name all starting quarterbacks since 1999.

16. You have never once muttered the name Progressive Field and never will. Your future children and theirs will always call it The Jake.

17. There is a good chance you have a Cleveland Lumberjacks t-shirt or plastic cup somewhere in your attic.

18. You know what The Holy War is

19. There is a strong chance you have used the “we have the best hospital in the world, even Kings and Queens come here!” argument when defending our town.

20. Every night at every bar is an accidental high school reunion.

21. It’s pop. Take your “soda” elsewhere.

22. You constantly wonder what downtown + The Flats will look like in ten years.

23. East Side vs. West Side

24. Obligatory Cedar Point comment

25. You’ve taken one taxi ride your entire life

26. You wouldn’t even think to look twice when seeing someone with Christmas lights still up in July

27. “I’m 30% Polish 30% Irish and a mix of some other stuff”

28. Temperature above 40 degrees? Shorts and flip flops it is!

29. All of your snow days growing up occurred in April

30. “Dinner” is the third meal of the day

31. Of course it smells like dead fish – it’s Lake Erie.

32. The Q? The Gund.

33. You put your trash on the “tree lawn”

34. The Feast

35. Big Chuck and Little John commercials

36. You don’t have a clue how to navigate University Circle

37. Walleye and Perch are delicacies

38. You don’t know Easter without Malley’s

39. You either experienced or been told about 10 cent beer night

40. You know where Deer Hunter and The Avengers were filmed

41. Serpentini – American and prooooooooooooooud of it.

42. Everything is “20 minutes” from everything

43. You’ve dumped at least 100 pennies in the Tower City fountains in your lifetime

44. Friday Fish Fry? See you there.

45. Saint Patrick’s Day > Christmas

46. Anything below Columbus may as well be the deep south

47. People bash on Cleveland all day long – but no one does it as well as you can.

drew-carey-cleveland-rocks

Tagged , , , , , ,

The Browns lost and I might move to Peru next week

Remember this:

then

And now:

now

“It’s how the tide turns, right?” – T.J. Ward after the game. Yes sir Mr. Ward – yes sir.

Last week I said my glass is always half full with the boys on Sunday. I take that back. The Browns have just lost two big games in a row by a combined margin of 37 points. Campbell got carted out with a concussion and Weeden came in to a shower of boos. Here we go!

Yes, that was a cheap shot against Campbell. But unlike other fan bases around the league, you won’t hear us create a royal hurricane about it. We have other things to worry about.

Big, must-win game to keep us in somewhat of a hunt for a wildcard spot, and wouldn’t you know it – right down the drain. Eight turnovers in the past two games. EIGHT. Throw the drunkest guy from the Dawg Pound in to take a few snaps and I guarantee we see a better performance than Weeden’s. Was that first fumble done on purpose? Seriously looked like he just put the ball down on the field and said “Here you go, get me out of here!”

There is nothing worse than that Steelers quarterback laughing in our faces out there. Cool punt bro. But I would probably do the same thing if I had only lost one time against us in all my starts. 

How about Gordon though? Probably the quietest 237 yard game of all time. 

This has been one of the more unexplainable seasons since the ’99 rebirth. Not much else to say. London Jags are in town next week and you know its bad when I have to pray the -40 weather alone shuts them down. We’ll sign some third string QB from Mount Union this week and Weeden will be our starter once again. If we lose at home to this team next weekend, I’m moving to Peru. They serve Christmas Ale there right?

P.S. Krayzie and Wish Bone on the sidelines wearing 99 was nothing short of spectacular. 

bone

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

20 For 20: The Cleveland Quarterback

It is my personal opinion that you are outside of your mind if you say you can list all Browns starting quarterbacks since ’99. Throw a million bucks in my face as the reward and there isn’t a chance in hell I crack 10. That being said, I thought it best to take a VERY brief look at who’s been with us over the years and where they are now.

I’m not guaranteeing any of this is accurate. I didn’t even count to see if I got all 20.

Oh and unless you’ve been living under a rock, this jersey should be a familiar guide by now:

JERSEY

(Goes without say this list could double over the next year and I’m not entirely convinced the number won’t be up to 21 by the time I’m done writing this tonight.)

tim-couch

Tim Couch

Couch. High-school All-American, SEC Player of the Year, hotshot QB from the University of Kentucky. There isn’t a Browns fan over the age of 20 that doesn’t remember the hype about taking this guy with the #1 pick. Looking back I can’t not feel sorry for the guy – we expected him to be an absolute savior and get us back into the glory days right away. My favorite Couch-era moments come from ’99 against the Steelers and London Jaguars:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKGsCwiRBzE&t=100

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BLcFBw6J4M

Prior to Cleveland: University of Kentucky

After Cleveland: Played for Green Bay in ’04 and the Jags in ’07. Currently a broadcaster for Fox Sports South on SEC Gridiron Live.

orlandobobo

Ty Detmer

Prior to Cleveland: College at BYU (Heisman winner). Packers, Eagles, 49ers.

After Cleveland: Lions and Falcons before retiring and working in the financial industry for a couple years – now a high school football coach in Texas.

647446_display_image

Doug Pederson (2000)

Prior to Cleveland: Played college ball at Northeast Louisiana and went undrafted in ’91. Played for some World Football league or something I don’t know anything about and don’t care to read on before going through the Dolphins, Packers and Eagles.

After Cleveland: Went back to the Packers and played backup for Favre before retiring in ’04. Currently the offensive coordinator for the Chiefs (clearly doing a pretty decent job).

spergon-wynn-name (1)

Spergon Wynn (2000)

Prior to Cleveland: I admit I have zero recollection of this guy. Played college at Southwest Texas State and drafted in the sixth round of the 2000 draft.

After Cleveland: Went to NFL Europe for a year before coming back to play for Minnesota for a couple seasons. Spent a few more years playing in Canada, now works as an energy trader in Texas.

t1_holcomb_all

Kelly Holcomb (2001-2004)

Prior to Cleveland: Middle Tennessee State – played for Tampa Bay and backed up Peyton in Indy.

After Cleveland: Bills, Eagles, Vikings. Apparently did/does some broadcasting for his alma mater.

523097

Jeff Garcia (2004)

Was I hallucinating a few weeks ago or did this guy actually hint he wanted the Browns to take a look at him?

Prior to Cleveland: San Jose State. CFL (Calgary Stampeders) and 49ers.

After Cleveland: Seven other teams, I’ll leave it to your imagination – retired with Houston in ’11 and is supposedly on the “advisory board” for the new USFL debuting in 2015.

San Diego Chargers v Cleveland Browns

Luke McCown (2004)

Prior to Cleveland: Louisiana Tech. Picked him up in the 4th round of the ’04 draft.

After Cleveland: Jumped around to a few different teams but currently backing up Brees down in New Orleans.

trent_dilfer_2005_11_27

Trent Dilfer (2005)

Prior to Cleveland: Fresno State. Tampa Bay, Ravens (Super Bowl), Seattle.

After Cleveland: Played a couple years in San Fran before retiring in ’07. Broadcaster.

charlie_frye_2006_11_26

Charlie Frye (2005 – 2007)

Prior to Cleveland: Drafted him out of Akron in the 3rd round ’04 Draft

After Cleveland: Seahawks, Raiders, now apparently a high school football coach down in Florida.

DerekAnderson(1)

Derek Anderson (2005 – 2009)

Prior to Cleveland: Oregon State. Late draft pick by the Ravens (never played).

After Cleveland: Cardinals and now Panthers where he’s somewhere on that depth chart.

large_quinnaction-crow

Brady Quinn (2007 – 2009)

Prior to Cleveland: Notre Dame.

After Cleveland: Denver, Chiefs, Seattle, Jets, Rams

ken-dorsey-signs-with-cfl-argonautsjpg-7a2e699cc68f36ea_medium

Ken Dorsey (2006-2008)

Prior to Cleveland: The U. 49ers.

After Cleveland: CFL (Toronto), scout for Carolina Panthers, now their QB coach.

Cleveland+Browns+v+Pittsburgh+Steelers+fZEJu8n2oJXl

Bruce Gradkowsi (2008)

Prior to Cleveland: Another QB I have no memory of. Played in the ’08 season finale against Pittsburgh when our 3 other QB’s decided to get hurt.

After Cleveland: Went through a few teams, now a backup for Pittsburgh.

colt-mccoy-apjpg-320b2827691337a1

Colt McCoy (2010 – 2012)

Prior to Cleveland: Texas.

After Cleveland: Currently with the 49ers.

jake-delhomme2jpg-18ad6e57c2f95ef6

Jake Delhomme

Prior to Cleveland: CFL, Saints, Panthers

After Cleveland: Retired after playing for the Texans for one season in 2011.

Kansas City Chiefs v Cleveland Browns

Seneca Wallace (2010 – 2012)

Prior to Cleveland: Iowa State. Seahawks.

After Cleveland: Saints, 49ers, now with Green Bay.

Brandon-Weeden-Frownie-Face

Brandon Weeden (2012 – present)

Prior to Cleveland: Oklahoma State

31sBROWNSaJG

Thad Lewis (2011-2012)

Prior to Cleveland: Duke. Saint Louis Rams.

After Cleveland: Lions. Currently with Buffalo.

Brian-Hoyer

Brian Hoyer (2013 – present)

Prior to Cleveland: St. Ignatius. Michigan State. Pats, Steelers, Cardinals.

rams-browns-football-jason-campbell-matt-conrath_pg_600

Jason Campbell (2013 – present)

Prior to Cleveland: Auburn. Washington, Oakland, Chicago

Tagged , , , , ,

Smoked on a Sunday

How every Monday post-Browns game discussion starts:

tumblr_mr8y0k98H81rzianao1_500

I’m either the least intelligent Browns fan on the planet or just too naive to have high hopes after a Bye week.  It’s like a mid-season holiday – no Sunday anxiety, depression, or risk of throwing my shoe through the TV.

There’s nothing more horrifying than going up 13-0 real quick against a solid opponent. That second quarter was Cleveland Sports to a T. 31 points? You kidding me? Two TD’s for Dalton, a blocked punt and fumble sealed the deal before the half was even over. My glass is always half full with the boys but there aren’t a whole lot of positives to take away from this afternoon. We had a chance to chip away at the division and start a (premature) “Wildcard” discussion but saw that disappear with 15 minutes of miserable defense.

Zero reason why we can’t get a couple W’s over the next two weeks against Pittsburgh and the London Jaguars. Need to get the basics back in gear and come out flying against an equally-miserable (for once) Steelers team next Sunday.

Tagged , , , ,