by Kevin Tuleta
**APRIL 2015 UPDATE: Wrote this way back in 2013; obviously a lot has changed since then (specifically in our sports department), so a full rewrite will be out in the near future.**
1. You play corn hole. Not bags. And it’s most likely a custom set with your high school/college/Cleveland team on it
2. Put-in-Bay + Kelley’s Island may as well be the Bahamas + Hawaii.
3. Saturdays at noon bring out the best in our football abilities
4. And Sundays at 1pm bring out the worst
5. You or someone in your family has played hockey their entire life
6. You have, or will experience at least one east coaster ask “How big is your farm?” when telling them where you’re from
7. You automatically assume a catastrophic event is unfolding when a traffic jam lasts longer than 30 seconds heading into downtown
8. You are absolutely baffled that people still ask how you feel about LeBron
9. Daydreaming about a championship parade rolling through downtown is a common occurrence
10. You have come to take pride in our river setting on fire multiple times
11. You know how to say bagel, pillow, and milk the right way
12. When people bring up the Fumble/Drive/Shot/Decision, you counter with the ’90s Indians.
13. You have great difficulty trying to explain the joy that is Christmas Ale to non-Clevelanders
14. It’s a cookout, not a barbecue.
15. If offered a million dollars, you still wouldn’t be able to name all starting quarterbacks since 1999.
16. You have never once muttered the name Progressive Field and never will. Your future children and theirs will always call it The Jake.
17. There is a good chance you have a Cleveland Lumberjacks t-shirt or plastic cup somewhere in your attic.
18. You know what The Holy War is
19. There is a strong chance you have used the “we have the best hospital in the world, even Kings and Queens come here!” argument when defending our town.
20. Every night at every bar is an accidental high school reunion.
21. It’s pop. Take your “soda” elsewhere.
22. You constantly wonder what downtown + The Flats will look like in ten years.
23. East Side vs. West Side
24. Obligatory Cedar Point comment
25. You’ve taken one taxi ride your entire life
26. You wouldn’t even think to look twice when seeing someone with Christmas lights still up in July
27. “I’m 30% Polish 30% Irish and a mix of some other stuff”
28. Temperature above 40 degrees? Shorts and flip flops it is!
29. All of your snow days growing up occurred in April
30. “Dinner” is the third meal of the day
31. Of course it smells like dead fish – it’s Lake Erie.
32. The Q? The Gund.
33. You put your trash on the “tree lawn”
34. The Feast
35. Big Chuck and Little John commercials
36. You don’t have a clue how to navigate University Circle
37. Walleye and Perch are delicacies
38. You don’t know Easter without Malley’s
39. You either experienced or been told about 10 cent beer night
40. You know where Deer Hunter and The Avengers were filmed
41. Serpentini – American and prooooooooooooooud of it.
42. Everything is “20 minutes” from everything
43. You’ve dumped at least 100 pennies in the Tower City fountains in your lifetime
44. Friday Fish Fry? See you there.
45. Saint Patrick’s Day > Christmas
46. Anything below Columbus may as well be the deep south
47. People bash on Cleveland all day long – but no one does it as well as you can.